On Insults and Compliments

We have to live among people. We have no choice. That means we must engage in the social world. The social world means that we are engaged in a world of insults and compliments. Honesty is a rarity; instead, everyone's motives are masked. Reflect on your interactions: at work, social gatherings, home, with friends, or during conferences. What are people actually communicating to us?

Navigating insults and compliments is no small thing. It’s a complicated world and you have to know who is on your side and who is not.

Consider a common scenario: in various cultures, being labeled a "good man" subtly suggests you're naive or foolish.

In America? That may not necessarily be true. It could just mean you’re a good person, pleasant to be around and easy. Once you start traveling, you realize America is one of the most friendliest nations in the world. Much less cynicism than other countries. Maybe because we’ve been rich and successful for so long. Optimism is in the air.

But even in America, you’ll run into corporate work struggles, or relationship issues, or friend groups that employ double meanings to words.

There’s an often an unspoken implication in being called nice: the person might be a bit of a bore (or an idiot).

That’s what the word used to mean. It was originally an insult. The spirit of the insult still hangs around the word.

The word "nice" itself has taken a complex journey through history. Originating from the Latin word nescius, meaning "ignorant," it first appeared in Middle English with meanings like "foolish" or "stupid." As the centuries progressed, "nice" morphed into descriptors like "timid" in the early 14th century, then "fussy, fastidious" and "dainty, delicate" later that same century. By the 15th century, it was associated with being "precise, careful." Only in the 18th century did it begin to acquire more universally positive overtones like "agreeable, delightful," eventually evolving into "kind, thoughtful" by the early 20th century.

Sometimes this type of thinking can lead to entertaining conclusions, like this famous scene from Goodfellas

In This Newsletter

1) 5 Rules For Insults

2) Why Are We So Suspicious of Compliments? There are evolutionary reasons that may explain why we are often suspicious of compliments

Rules For Insults

1.  If You Are Offended By Someone Insulting You, That Means You Respect Them

This is Lindy

The Greek Stoic Philosopher Epictetus noted, "If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation." This reveals a psychological truth: being offended by an insult means we value the insulter’s opinion significantly.

Plato writes about this in "The Republic," he suggests our responses to insults are not just knee-jerk reactions but reflect the weight we give to someone's judgment based on social and moral contexts. It’s not the insult. It’s the person.

Even in medieval Europe with the chivalric code. Insults weren't just slights—they were calls to duel but strictly among peers. Knights, nobles and lords didn’t bother with peasants; the code didn’t apply to them. it was an elite language governing their interactions.

2. To Really Get Under Someone's Skin and Provoke Them, Start Your Statement With, "I Don't Mean Any Disrespect…”

The phrase sets the listener up for am offensive remark which significantly sharpens the emotional sting of the insult. We think it may soften the blow, that’s why we say it, but in actuality this preface actually magnifies it.

The phrase sets an expectation of politeness or neutrality, which primes the listener to be particularly sensitive to what follows. The phrase prepares their mind to pay close attention to the nature of the comment that comes after. The Contrast Effect occurs. When the actual statement contrasts with the initial expectation (e.g., it turns out to be disrespectful or critical), the difference can enhance the listener’s perception of the negative content. The priming effect makes the insult more pronounced because it violates the anticipated norm set by the prefacing statement.

This phenomenon is similar to how we use the word "but." Typically, what comes before "but" is an apology or a compliment intended for the listener, while everything after it tends to negate what was just said, serving the speaker’s intent. Essentially, the pre-"but" part is for the listener's benefit, and the post-"but" part reveals the speaker's true feelings.

3.  Calling Something Overrated is Not an Insult, It’s a Compliment

Anything labeled as overrated must first gain wide recognition and value, proving its quality or impact. Unnoticed items never become topics of discussion or earn the label of overrated. This viewpoint shifts the negative connotation of "overrated" to emphasize that such debates actually signal considerable influence or appeal. It offers a fresh perspective on criticisms, prioritizing inherent recognition over superficial judgments.

In the arts, significant public and critical acclaim often precedes accusations of being overrated. The widespread debate over a work's merit itself indicates its influence and appeal, even amid divergent opinions about its quality. Similarly, in the tech industry, products or companies labeled overrated for their market hype or valuation still play a pivotal role in shaping industry trends and consumer habits. Their extensive use and discussion highlight their essential contribution, redefining success in a unique way.

4. Insults Based On Truth Sting Far More Deeply Than Lies

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