On Politeness

One of the things I do is think about the differences between people. Traveling, talking to different people—it just feeds my interest, makes it more intense, more fascinating.

This summer on vacation, I was staying in a few Airbnbs across Southern Europe, and something caught my attention. Maybe you’ve noticed it too. In Southern Europe, there’s a good chance the Airbnb host—or someone they’ve sent—will show up to greet me. They’ll ask why I’m there, give me a quick tour of the place, hand me the keys, and maybe even throw in a smile. It’s a brief connection. The weird thing is, when I’m in Northern Europe or North America it’s a different story. There, the keys are in the lockbox. I get the key, let myself in, and that’s the end of the check-in process.

The difference in the check-in process between Southern Europe and Northern Europe or North America stems from cultural norms around politeness. In Southern Europe, personal interactions are highly valued, and greeting guests in person is a way to demonstrate warmth, friendliness, and respect. It also has the side benefit of vetting the guests and putting a name to the face of the property so the guest may feel bad about trashing the place.

In contrast, in Northern Europe and North America politeness is shown by respecting the guest's space, giving them distance, autonomy and minimizing their hassle.

Politeness determines culture. Why is sending voice notes polite in the global south. While texting is polite in areas of North America or Northern Europe?

One man’s culture is another man’s torture.

The Polite Society

Politeness is important. Without it, you’re stuck. You won’t do well on job interviews, get no respect from coworkers, have no friends. And dating? Forget it. Women expect it. Politeness isn’t just a suggestion; it’s a necessity. Everyone has to play along. But it’s something we never really think about, until we cross into another cultural zone. Like this German tourist who visited America:

Politeness is completely culturally dependent. It changes once you enter a different place. Even an innocuous word like “please” doesn’t mean the same thing in another context.

Politeness varies even within a single country. Take America, for example, politeness can manifest as the use of time, the most precious commodity in American culture.

New York Politeness. You talk fast. Rapid-fire. It’s all about showing you’re not wasting anyone’s time. Time efficiency is a form of respect.

Southern American Politeness. The opposite. You speak slowly, deliberately, as if the time you spend talking to someone is a personal sacrifice, a gift you’re giving them. You’re showing them they matter enough to give time.

In This Newsletter

1) Countries Differ in How They Approach Politeness: In a world that is increasingly becoming global, universal and similar, politeness norms are still local. Study politeness norms and you have a shortcut to understanding culture. Let’s examine Japanese politeness norms

2) You Can Change Society by Changing Politeness Norms: You need to be sensitive to politeness norms because when they shift, culture shifts as well. Think of how the progressive movement has changed society recently just by shifting politeness norms with pronouns and ways we address certain groups. This is not new.

3) Positive and Negative Politeness: Positive politeness seeks to affirm relationships through warmth and camaraderie, while negative politeness focuses on maintaining distance and respect for personal boundaries. Understanding the balance between these two can unlock the subtle art of social navigation.

Study Politeness and You Will Understand Different Cultures

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