Relationships Have Changed But Charming Men Have Not

Relationships have changed so much lately.

Take marriage for example. For most of human history, it was the beginning of adulthood—get married young, move in together, find a job, build your life. Now? It's the opposite. Marriage is the final step, something you do once you’re already stable, once you've "made it." It's no longer the gateway into adult life; it's the last goal. Is it any wonder it's in decline?

Nearly 90 percent of the global population lives in countries with falling marriage rates. In the U.S., marriage has dropped 60 percent since the '70s. But is it really in decline? Since what marriage means has changed, this new number reflects the reality of what it is now. Everyone can get to Step 1 but not many make it to Step 5. Marriage isn’t in decline, it has just changed.

Or look at dating. People are assortative mating now, essentially sticking to their socio-economic group. Gone are the days when the rich guy marries his secretary or a waitress. Now, it's more likely that he's pairing up with someone who has a similar degree and a similar income. We’re seeing a shift in mate selection, and it may have some weird side effects.

There’s even a theory that assortative mating is linked to rising autism rates. Two people with similar genetic predispositions get together, and suddenly you see more cases. Back when pairing off was more random, less precise, this wasn’t a thing.

What Hasn’t Changed?

Some things, however, remain unchanged. A man who is charming, funny, interesting, or creative can still go a long way in attracting a woman today even he isn’t in the same socio-economic group.

I was reminded of this fact when Lana Del Rey showed up with her new boyfriend the other day to a wedding event. He’s not a celebrity. He’s a boat captain working at Airboat Tours for people who want to see alligators. Her fans were confused. He’s older, not famous, divorced with two kids, not rich, and let’s face it—not exactly a heartthrob.

But I have a hunch he’s got charisma for days. Picture a Cajun gator tour guide—quick with a joke, always making her laugh, off-the-cuff chemistry that slices through her usual melancholy. Lots of stories of animals and danger.

There’s something there that has nothing to do with money or fame or any of the stuff we think defines success. We all know a couple that seems a little mismatched in the looks department until you see how they interact with each other.

The intangibles go a long way.

Artists and Accountants

I’ve always wondered why men with more conventional careers, even if wealthy, don’t attract women as much as artists do. Musicians, painters, novelists, and poets tend to seem more "interesting" compared to lawyers, engineers, or scientists. Alternatively, some women engage in the barbell method of marrying a stable man and desiring (cheating) with the artist.

That’s not to say you can’t have a boring job—plenty of people do—but you can’t be a boring person completely. You need to show a kind of intelligence and creativity that hits on an instinctual level. Women know all men have a poet inside of them, it comes out when you really love something.

It’s another way of saying you can be intelligent but it has to manifest in a certain aesthetic way. It can’t be an isolationist or boring intelligence. Think of humor, charisma or wit as beautiful emotional architecture that resembles something classical, instead of modern drabness.

These types of charismatic figures have been in literature since the beginning. It’s all very Lindy.

Homer’s "Odyssey" (c. 8th century BCE): Odysseus uses his cunning intelligence (metis) and verbal dexterity to outsmart enemies and secure allies, including women like Calypso and Nausicaa. His ability to navigate both personal and social challenges with wit and persuasive speech demonstrates the value placed on these traits

Ovid’s "Ars Amatoria" (The Art of Love, c. 2 BCE): Ovid emphasizes intellect and charm over wealth in seduction, showing how clever conversation and social skill win romantic success. He places wit at the center of attraction, rather than status or riches.

Courtly Love Tradition (12th-14th centuries): The courtly love tradition of the Middle Ages portrays knights who use poetry, music, and refined speech, along with bravery, to win the favor of noblewomen. This tradition reinforces the cultural ideal that intelligence and creative expression drive both social and romantic triumphs.

In This Newsletter

But why does this behavior work? It seems irrational. There’s a bigger reason behind it, one that operates not just on an individual level but at scale. Without it, society doesn’t function.

1) Female Mate Preference As the Immune System for Civilization: Female mate selection isn’t random; it’s a form of evolutionary and social "steering." Women guide men toward certain roles and behaviors and hobbies, shaping society in the process.

2) How to Become More Charming as a Man: Some men are born more charismatic than others. But it can be learned as a skill like anything else.

3) Dating Apps and Approaching Women in Public: Whether it’s crafting a dating app profile or making a move in person, the pressure is on to demonstrate qualities that stand out. These traits, consciously or unconsciously, are aligned with what women find appealing.

4) The Sneaky Fucker Strategy: Can female preferences be hacked? Evolutionary biology suggests yes. This theory explains how smaller or less dominant males use stealth and cunning to outcompete the stronger, more dominant males.

Female Mate Preference As the Immune System for Civilization

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